When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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