you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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