I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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