wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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