you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
