Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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