And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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