vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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