let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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