my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
