My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
