Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
