Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
