Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
