my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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