i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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