I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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