Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
