it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
