If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
