also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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