his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
