oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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