Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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