maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
