I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
