i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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