Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
