i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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