at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
