My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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