Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
