Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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