Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
