Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it hurts more in the daytime
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
