the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
