You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
