Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
