I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
