WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
