i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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