My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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