I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
