Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
