Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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