drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
