Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
