i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
