I am in a vortex of obligation.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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