After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
