if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
