You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
