A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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