Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
