There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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