Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
