It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
