I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
