this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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