The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize