dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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