why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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