someone threw a dead crab at me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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