I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
