god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
time to smoke my breakfast
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
