I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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