Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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