u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
