Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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