moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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