My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize